Not the First
by toumeiillusion
Summary: She didn't think it was fair that her sisters had to take care of her and she hated that she broke down so often. Her sister's never seemto mind though. [Twelve Shots of Summer: Trinity Limit]


Johanna stared past her sisters, past her brothers playing soccer in front of them. She could swear she was seeing someone she knew. They were small with reddish hair. Even from this distance she could see his smile and it was more familiar than even his face. Angelica took her arm, making her look away from the figure and at her instead. Concern marked her face and Johanna didn't understand why. She wasn't hurt. She wasn't even shaking.

"What's wrong, Angel?" Johanna immediately noticed how broken her voice sounded. _That's_ what was wrong. She was crying again. Her eyes turned back to where she'd been staring to find an empty space. No one and nothing was there. She felt herself choke on the breath she was taking and heard Eliza telling their brothers that they were going home early. Guilt seeped into Johanna.

She tried to tell them that they didn't need to go back, that she was okay even though she was crying, but neither of them believed her. This had been happening more and more often and they weren't risking anything on keeping her out longer than they needed to. Johanna hated that they did this so often. She hated that she broke like this so much more than she used to.

They sat her down in the living room, Angelica going to get the stuffed bear from Johanna's room and Eliza taking a seat next to her, quietly trying to tell Johanna she was fine. She wanted to snap at her and say that she _knew_ she was fine, that there obviously wasn't anything wrong, but she couldn't bring herself to. She wasn't fine. She was a mess.

Angelica came back, holding the bear out for her sister, and Johanna took it gingerly into her arms. It had been through a lot in the past year, and even before that. It was fairly beat up. The plush fur was worn and matted in some places; it was missing one eye; you could see where she'd had to sew its left arm back on. She loved it anyways though. It was from him and it hadn't left her side since he did.

Johanna brought it close to her face and buried herself in it. Remembering him hurt just like seeing him hurt. She could feel the tears resurfacing and she knew that this wasn't passing any time soon. She gave her sister's a muddled apology and curled her legs up to her body. It wasn't fair that they had to deal with this.

She didn't know how long she had sat there crying. It could have been ten minutes or it could have been two. All she knew was she fell asleep, and even that was just a guess. She was laying on the couch instead of sitting, a blanket draped over the lower half of her body, and the light that had been filtering through the curtains before was much dimmer, more golden, than it had been when she'd come in.

Groggily, Johanna pulled herself up and looked around. There was no one else in the room and her bear was securely tucked in her arms. She could hear murmuring and the sound of something happening in the kitchen but she didn't get up to investigate. She didn't want to move just yet. Everything was so quiet and still. It seemed rude to ruin it.

When she did finally get up, Johanna found her legs just a little unsteady and the room fuzzy. She guessed it was the sleep and pushed forward. The closer she got to the kitchen, the clearer the sound of her sister's voices became.

"Do you think it's okay to leave her there alone? She's never cried for that long before."

"She's sleeping, Eliza. It's okay. We're almost done with dinner anyways."

Johanna leaned against the wall by the door and closed her eyes. They worried constantly. She was a little surprised they weren't getting worry lines early. She couldn't remember the last time they'd had a day without at least a small break down from her.

"…What are we going to do when we're both in college? The house is close but we're supposed to stay in the dorms for the first year at least…"

"We'll figure it out, Eliza. I'm a year ahead of you, remember? Don't think about it more than you need to. We're here right now and that's what matters. Besides, she has Peggy, too. You know those two are like the sun and the moon. You don't see one without the other."

"I don't think that metaphor works how you want it to, Angelica."

"Oh you know what I mean. Go wake her up, okay?"

Johanna took that second to step in, letting her bear dangle down toward the floor, and smile sleepily at them. She could pretend that she didn't hear them for a little while. They were smiling right now, and that's what mattered.

 _I wish I could make you smile more. I'm sorry._


End file.
